I have talked about fears that hold us back in life. In this article, I will explore one of the main factors triggering those fears.
As mentioned, fears arise when our brain interprets some event or someone as a threat. So, what are those threats for exactly?
We feel threatened when we feel insecure and afraid of losing something. These fears come from the utmost need in our minds. If you are familiar with the Iceberg theory, these desires lie one layer before the bottom end of the iceberg.
What are the ten psychological yearnings?
Virginia Satir was a renowned psychologist and one of the first family therapists. She discovered the most common psychological desires in people of all ages, sex, races, and ethnicities that trigger expectations and reactions. She categorized them into ten such yearnings.
To love and be loved
To be accepted
To be free
To be recognized and valuable
To be purposeful
To belong
To be connected emotionally with someone
The yearning for proximity
The need for security
The desire to have peace of mind
Aren’t they all connected?
You might notice these psychological yearnings are intertwined. The need to be accepted comes with the need to belong and be connected emotionally. The need for security comes with the desire to love and be loved.
These psychological yearnings induce expectation. And when expectations are unmet, we become unhappy. So when we feel something might take away our freedom, security, or reputation, we will react. The reaction could be a flight or a fight. Sometimes we freeze first to process the situation.
So we might want to identify our psychological yearnings to understand our drive and motifs. It helps us set goals and design our lives that match our psychological needs.
It is also helpful to understand these psychological yearnings to understand what triggers us. So we can be more cautious not to react. On the contrary, we can take action instead to avoid damage.
So whenever you feel something shatter you in your core, try to identify what it is. These questions might be useful to you.
How do you feel about it?
How do you interpret it?
What do you think you will lose from the situation that scares you?
How can you handle the situation proactively?
What are the most important to you among these ten yearnings?
Find out what your psychological yearnings are, so you can start living the life you want.
Need help with this? Email me at support@anniemalista.com or check out my website.
Fears stop us from doing the necessary things to accomplish our goals. Many people choose not to do something out of fear without being aware of it. Recognizing our fear is the first step to understanding what is holding us back so we can solve it and move on with our mission.
Amy Morin has summarized the top 10 fears that hold people back in life.
Fear of change
Fear of loneliness
Fear of failure
Fear of rejection
Fear of uncertainty
Fear of catastrophe
Fear of getting hurt
Fear of being judged
Fear of inadequacy
Fear of losing freedom
So what do these fear do?
First, the fear of change makes us reject change.
People who do not enjoy change find any new adjustment in their surroundings and social system a possible threat rather than a fresh new opportunity. They become oblivion to new possibilities or fresh opportunities in any newly altered situation. And that is a loss.
Secondly, the fear of loneliness makes some people unable to be alone.
This type of symptom may vary in terms of how people react. Some might become clingy and needy. Some may appear a people-pleaser to belong.
Third, the fear of failure results in no action.
Some people become passive and do not try anything new as they do not want to fail. They act on things they are sure will succeed. The downside is they can never learn. Many of us might have learned that we all learn from failure. We do something, and we fail. Then, we know how we should do it differently.
Fourth, the fear of rejection stops people from pursuing anything their hearts desire.
Many people are afraid of asking for something or initiating a conversation with someone of interest as they do not want to deal with rejection. It is a critical holdback in a person’s life.
Fifth, the fear of uncertainty comes from the need for safety.
Some people will not quit their jobs even though they hate them. It is because they do not want to lose job security. They do not want to risk the uncertainty of not being able to pay their bills.
Sixth, the fear of catastrophe prevents some people from living their life fully.
They will avoid adventure, going to new places, or trying something new as they are worried about anything terrible that might happen.
Seventh, the fear of getting hurt makes people live life with limitations.
Some people stay in their comfort zone and never come out to explore any new possibility. They feel they won’t get hurt as long as they stick to the same lifestyle and the usual crowd.
Eighth, the fear of being judged makes some people keep themselves low profile.
They prefer to be unnoticeable to avoid being judged. The downside is they live their lives with limitations. As a result, they may feel a sense of unfulfillment.
Ninth, the fear of inadequacy makes some people feel small.
As compensation, some people might become a perfectionist. They may try to appear overly confident to mask their sense of lack. But it will never be enough. No matter how much they try, they still feel inadequate. Some people may keep their heads down and never step up for anything they want. The feeling of not being good enough or not measuring up to the standard will make them become an underachiever too.
Finally, the fear of losing freedom is common to everyone.
It is not a critical holdback to a person’s life unless it is off the charts. Some people are so scared of losing their freedom that they do not commit with anyone or anything.
What is the psychology of fear, and how do we deal with fear?
Terror arises when our brain interprets an event, a person, or something as a threat. Psychologists recorded ten types of fear commonly found among people of every race and ethnicity.
The reaction:
When the brain detects some threat, it activates fear. The reaction will either be flight or fight. However, some may freeze first for a moment before deciding to fight or flight a few seconds later.
The differences:
Flight leads us to no result and no progress, though it is useful when facing a real danger. Otherwise, fleeing away from someone, something, or some event out of fear is unproductive.
Fight, on the other hand, yields a more fruitful outcome. When we choose to fight, we move on. We move forward to our goal. However, sometimes our fear gets the better of us. We lose our best selves and may do something terrible to others due to our fright.
There were times when people fought one another or did terrible things to other beings due to excessive fear.
Access your fear:
The first step to handling fear is to be mindful. Before allowing fear to rule our judgment, we need to be aware of its presence in ourselves once it arises.
Secondly, we need to accept we are frightened. We can never deal with anything that we don’t admit its presence. So, acknowledge your feeling. Accept that we are now afraid.
Third, we might want to question ourselves why we are afraid. From where does this fright come? It might be a series of questions as we need to keep asking ourselves until we get to the bottom of our fear.
What is lying beneath the fear?
Sometimes, we may discover we kill a snake because we are afraid. So why are we afraid of the snake? Because it may bite us. Why are we afraid of that? Because we can die from the venom. So, in this case, the bottom line is the fear of death and fear of pain.
Sometimes, our measure might be necessary. However, I have seen many events when we kill without necessity. We only acted out of fright. And that is sad.
What are the consequences of the action caused by fear?
How about when the extreme measure we take is not about others’ lives but involves our life decision?
Have we ever quit on something out of fear without even trying our best? I believe a lot of us have experienced that. Have we ever access our feeling about why we quit? You might be surprised to discover that we sometimes give up because we are afraid to lose. It is because of the fear of rejection, judgment, and failure. Most importantly, it is the fear of not being good enough.
In this case, we might want to ask ourselves what happens if we don’t take action. Do we achieve anything? Aren’t we judged accomplishing nothing significant to us? What would happen if we tried our best and failed?
On the other hand, have we heard of some people doing whatever it takes to achieve something? Sometimes, it involves betrayal, hurting people, or doing bad things. How about these people questioning their motifs using a series of deepening questions?
Why do I need to hurt others? I want to achieve my goal.
What happens when I reach my goal? I feel good and proud of myself.
How do you define pride?
What do you gain from hurting others for your benefit?
Will those benefits last?
What does that leave you?
What has that made you become?
Are you proud of that?
We may discover we act out of fright. It involves fear of uncertainty, failure, and loss of freedom
If you could live with yourself hurting others to accomplish your goal, good. If not, you might want to access your feeling and question yourself why you do it. Are there other ways to deal with those fear without hurting others?
Be mindful of our being, feeling, actions, and consequences
So, whether we choose to fight or flight when fear arises, the most important thing is to be mindful. Mindfulness creates awareness that enables good decision-making. Being mindful allows us to access our wisdom and empathy. When we are aware of our being, our brain will let empathy and compassion arise instead of fear. It is not just compassion for others but ourselves. Daily practice of mindfulness takes commitment and determination. But trust me. It is worth it.
Have trouble making a decision? If you want to resort to mindfulness coaching, email at support@anniemalista.com. Or click here for charging details.
A proactive and realistic approach to deal with tough times.
How can we sail through some difficult times?
The world after pandemic surely put most of the world population in the most difficult time in life.
As one can see, many of us were forced to minimize the physical connection, and we were obliged to familiarize ourselves with digital interaction. Apparently, the new lifestyle has replaced the way of life that has been preserved for centuries for some people.
Currently, how people run their business is different. Many people were left unable to catch up with the new communication trend.
Even though some people can catch up, it is not easy for the old generation to convince the new generation employers their expertise has not been outdated. The whole digitalization thing could be the doom to generation X per se.
How can we deal with it? How can we sail through this difficult time?
First step:
First of all, we need to let go of our past success. Many of us are stuck doing nothing as we hold on to the past glory. I have done that before or I know this already. Blah, blah, blah.
Actually, all the knows may need to be put aside in a cupboard. They will be useful later when we don’t attach so hard to them that they become a part of our ego.
Now it is time to embark on a journey to the unknown. It’s imperative for us to be comfortable being a novice to learn new things. We may need to realize that how we have done things in the past might or might not help us with how we need to get things done at present.
So keep our minds open and learn.
SecondStep:
The second important step is to start anew and be hungry for knowledge. To do that, one needs to act like a child and engage in the new methods of doing things digitally.
However, don’t lose ourselves in social media that waste our precious time.
On the other hand, we need to let ourselves dive into the digital world. Look at how things are connected. See what we can do with that to best benefit our business ideas or help us land the desired job offer.
Third Step:
The third step is to stay positive. Sometimes, we might feel discouraged seeing how the world has changed and has appeared with no boundary. Now, we can find many new platforms that anyone can jump in and become an overnight success.
In the past, we all know that becoming successful was quite difficult. Anyway, isn’t it good news? If so, please celebrate that. Anyone can be successful if they try hard enough in this digital era. And that includes us.
So, be positive and be grateful for the various opportunities present in the digital world.
Fourth Step:
The fourth step is to take action. After letting go of our ego, we now can open our minds to learn new things as a novice. Keep our positivity on to see the many opportunities out there. Then, we need to take action. Don’t let fear interfere with our goal. Fear of rejection is present to most people; however, don’t let it overcome our zeal to make your place in the digital era. Deal with the fear. And take action.
Fifth Step:
The fifth step is to let go of expectations. The expectation comes with the attachment to the result you wish. It relates directly to your ego. Unknowingly, we always attach our self-worthiness and pride to how people see us. And when we do not receive the response we expect, we feel lost and despair. Even though some people can get up and move on, some can’t. So let go of our expectations and lose our attachment to the desired result. Know that we have done our best now. And let the result take care of itself.
Sixth Step:
The sixth step is to be persistent and determined. Once we let go of our expectations, we can keep moving forward. Keep seeding and cultivating in any soil. The key to success in the digital world is planting enough seeds and creating enough connections. It is about connecting to various webs and platforms to be the most available source to the desired audience. Once we cultivate enough, our land will yield the crop we want. So, it is harvest time. And if we plan a good strategy and manage our land well, we might be able to expect a passive income from our persistent effort.
“Rome Wasn’t Built in a Day, But They Were Laying Bricks Every Hour” is an old saying that never expires.
John heywood
Dare to Dream? Then, pursue it despite any difficulties
It is a long way to go, and a hard earn effort. But isn’t it worth it?
So just do it. You can earn nothing by being afraid, complaining about your life, or begging for some divine power to help you. However, you can start to help yourself now by embarking on the journey to live your dream.
All it takes is taking the first step and staying on it no matter what. Remember! Do your best today. Tomorrow is the outcome of our present effort. And what we have done today will become the history we may or may not want to remember. It all happens today.
Need help?
Keeping your spirit up in the downtime is hard. If you need an accompanist to listen to you and escort you through your self-doubting time to help you realize your potential and continue working on your goal, click here for service hours. For people experiencing a tough time, email me at support@anniemalista.com to get a special goodwill rate.
I asked myself this morning, “how do I feel?” Fear came up.
It was a deep worry in my gut. So I closed my eyes and let the sensation come to acknowledge it completely. Then I felt the soft vibration of fear down my spine and welling up in my heart.
I realized I was afraid. I was worried about the uncertainty and the fact that my future holds no positive prospects for me at all. It was a deep worry down my gut. I sensed the terror in my core and accessed it with an open mind. The sense of uncertainty shook my being, ruining my self-image of an intelligent, successful, and creative individual.
I was scared of being a good-for-nothing.
The truth came up when i allowed it
Who am I?
Deep down, I know I am capable of many achievements. Unfortunately, I cannot prove it yet. The intense vibration of fright that I might lose my self-perception ran down my spine. And I was terrified.
A Visual Tools
I went to my Points Of You’s The Coaching Game cards. I picked one card out at random. The Journey card turned up. What stroke me first was the visual. A pair of old, veteran hands. There were two rings decorating the right hand, one on the index finger and the other one on the ring finger. The thumb and the index finger of the left hand were touching the big ring on the index finger of the right hand. It looked as though the wearer was considering taking off that ring.
What did this picture tell me? What did the word “journey” mean to me?
Asking myself the questions after seeing the card.
The card silenced my busy mind for a big moment. It took me to a deep, concentrated thought instead.
Realization
It takes a journey to travel from where one is to where one wants to be. I might encounter different experiences along the way, pleasant and unpleasant. And any encounter, happy or unhappy, is bound to end. Nothing lasts forever. That’s the fact. So it is no point in holding on to things impermanent. What I can take from the experiences is the learning. If I looked into the past encounter, I might unknowingly pick the negative one from my false judgment of the situation. But if I focus on the learning, I can grow from it.
Further Discovery
And when I noticed how the wearer was thinking of removing the ring from the index finger. It seemed the person was considering losing one’s self-image, past recognition, and becoming a novice again. It occurred to me that I may need to let go of some of my old achievements to embark on a new journey.
What Are The Key Takeaways?
The real questions today are such:
What can I control, and what can’t I?
What can I do to improve the situation?
What can I do today to make things happen for me soon?
What did I learn from my past challenges?
How do I want to grow from here?
“This too shall pass.” is an old saying that never dies. We all have today as our present. We can act on something today to create the desired outcome for tomorrow, which might become a great memory in our future past.
***The projective technique is a psychological method to help explore our deep worries, inner fear, unsettling concerns from the past as well as trauma. Using this projective technique together with Points Of You photo cards can help you explore new insights and move from the state of impossible to possible.
Want to have a session to dive deep into what worries you and overcome them constructively to earn back your momentum and move on? Click to make an appointment.
We are frightened to ask for something especially when it involves pride. Fear of rejection happens to most people all the time.
Who wouldn’t be intimidated or at least discouraged when receiving a ‘no’ as a response? Somehow receiving too many refusals leads to a trauma that shies the person away from ever trying or asking again.
That leads to dissatisfaction and unfulfillment of the person’s dream or desire. It all begins with the fear of rejection.
Fear Of Rejection
Now, does that sound familiar? And how do we cope with this fear of rejection?
Of course, we all have the dream we want to manifest. However, there are always the little things that obstruct us from accomplishing our goals.
Working our way to our goal involves a lot of working with people and communication. How can we do it when we have the fear of rejection? At this point, some people just quit or go the easy way to avoid confrontation. Going sideways usually yields no positive result, or it may take too long to accomplish. However, a lot of us feel better not having to face the chance of rejection.
How about we tackle the issue in the face? How about we start with our mindset?
I have found out that rejection has been severe only in our minds. It holds no substantial meaning to the person who declares the rejection. People say no just because it is not the time for them. Or they might decline your offer because they do not see the value of it. Or they might have their issues. Or they might not be mature enough to act otherwise. It is always about them, not about you.
They refuse because of how they perceive things in consideration of their needs and resources. It is not personal, and it is not about you. It is best to move on with your purpose.
“Take the rejection as a feedback and you will grow”
So whether or not you try yields a different outcome. You have a chance of getting a ‘yes’ when you try. With no attempt at all, you may get away from getting a ‘no,’ still, nothing happens. By not asking when necessary with the fear of rejection, you have proved one thing to the universe. You have already judged that you are not worthy of what you want. That is how others see you.
When you decide not to ask for something important or take necessary action when needed due to the fear of rejection, the first person who says ‘no’ to you is you. When you are not confident you deserve a ‘yes’, who would?
It takes a change of perception to overcome the fear of rejection.
Never judge yourself by presuming a ‘no’ beforehand. Go for what you want and all you need to do with all your might. Have no attachment to the outcome. You have done your part. Leave the ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to the other party to decide.
As mentioned, the response is not about you. It is about the state of mind, context, and situation of the other person at the time.
Let go of the consequence and focus on the action or the cause. It is like planting a mango tree. You cultivate the seed, then nourish it regularly with water, fertilizer, and sunlight. It will bear you mango fruit someday.
It is the seeds and the nurturing that counts. The deed you do will yield the result you need eventually.
ANNIEmalista
Go for it! Life is too short to worry about how people feel about you. They regard you no more with you achieving nothing. However, people salute you for your success and your determination. When you respect your dream and believe in yourself, others will eventually do you too. Have a great fight for your goal, and drop the drama on the ‘no’ you might encounter along the way. Your purpose should be larger than your ego.
“To live your life with Ikigai is to live a meaningful and valuable life with a purpose to give some value to others.”
Why purpose?
Have you got the purpose of your life?
Why are you here on earth?
Do you know the meaning of your existence?
Do you know who you want to become, how, and why?
Well, for me, I didn’t know. I spent the major part of my life living the way I thought that was my goal, my dream.
And one day, I woke up, and I realized it wasn’t real. I didn’t live my life the way I truly want. I lived it the way I was programmed. Culture expectation, literature, TV, parents, friends, everyone around me seeding the concept of a good girl, good university, good position in a good company, and a good husband.
It turned out I lived a life I thought I should have lived. I didn’t know what my purpose was after I achieved all those. I spent years figuring out what I really want.
What is important to me?
What values do I hold dear to me?
What do I care about the world and other beings?
What are my true strengths?
What is my passion?
And I discovered ‘Ikigai.’
It’s not just about finding it. It is about how to live it.
The sense of purpose. It is the Japanese word for “a meaningful life.” I spent a few years finding what my Ikigai is and how to live it. I did some research and found out many people didn’t know what they want, what their dreams are, what their purposes are. Even worse, some people know what they want but can’t find a way to live to it.
“The problem with people failing to manifest is their beliefs. Most people design their future based on their past experiences. That’s why they find it hard to manifest. I can help them with that.”
So that becomes my passion, my purpose, the cause I want to follow through. I want to help people not just finding but living their life meaningfully with a purpose. I want to help them manifest the lives they deserve. What happens is something blocks their flows, their possibility to make things happen. Some inner conflicts obstruct them from manifesting their dreams or the abundance they want.
