How does your first memory influence you as a person?
What is your first memory, and how does it affect your present?
Talking about memory, do you know how much effect it has on you? It is more important than we realize how important our first memory is. Some memory is not at the cognitive level; however, our subconscious minds can recognize them. That is how those memories affect us at later stages of life, and we are unaware of them.
Mostly, the painful memory lingers and always comes back to haunt us. It manifests in the form of a disproportionate recurrent reaction. This response arises from wounds. Our mind remembers the event, good or bad. We tend to remember the negative one better. And when we face the same or similar event, we go to the default mode to survive. So, it is either flight, fight, or freeze.
People whose default mode is freeze will play dead. They become numb to the situation. They seem indifferent and non-existent. That’s how they survive the event that reminds them of their wounds or something they don’t want to acknowledge.
Some people whose default mode is the flight will try to get away. They either hide themselves and their feeling or succumb to the situation or people reminding them of their wounds. The reaction is implosive inside themselves.
Lastly, people whose default mode is the fight will demonstrate strong, disproportionate recurrent reactions like anger. Their response is explosive whenever they come across any situation, reminding them of their wounds.
So, what do they have to do with the first memory? The disproportionate reactive response remains even if you had the most pleasant first memory. However, the pleasant first memory may be your life saver, saving you from drowning in painful experiences and negativities.
A pleasant memory gives you hope. It is the lighthouse when you wander in the sea of life and challenges.
How about people whose first memory was unpleasant? Well, you can always change it by changing your perspective. There is more than one side to every story. Even the worst experience gives you something, for example, a life lesson. Some challenges help you grow. Some are the test of your stamina and resistance against negativity. Can you stay true to your true, virtuous self going through difficulties and the horrible environment life has thrown you?
It is the question of how positive and strong you are. Once you change your perspective, your mindset changes. And consequently, your life changes, too.
So, what is your first memory? And how do you want to look at it to support your growth journey to become authentic and your best?
I don’t know whether this is a challenge for anyone but me. There’s a fine line between being assertive and being inconsiderate of others. That’s probably why some people have trouble asserting themselves, especially to people important to them.
Well, I have hands-on experience with assertiveness VS consideration to share.
Today I was shocked by the reaction of a friend. She was angry with me, shut down, and canceled our lunch plan. Her brief remark: “you are too much, too demanding, and you are not being considerate about how I feel.”
It took me by surprise. Of course, I apologized immediately. Unfortunately, my friend didn’t register my apology and hung up the phone.
Did my being assertive make me an inconsiderate person?
I was stunned by her reaction. It has never occurred to me that my authenticity and honesty would have disturbed others. I felt a strong vibration in my chest, and I was sorry. Then, I kept pondering over the event to find what I did that was inconsiderate of her.
Did I do or say something so terrible that triggered that strong reaction?
I realized I didn’t have any ill intentions at all. I was being honest and shared my need, concerns, and challenge. I felt the urge to apologize to her in text. However, I held back and questioned my intention. Was it because I wanted her to feel better, to relieve her pain of being emotionally abused? Or was it for me to feel better about myself? I found that my self-image as an empathetic person was disturbed.
Which of my beings cannot live?
After pondering it, I discovered that the incident crushed my being too. Well, I have a being of kindness, empathy, and consideration. When these beings couldn’t live, I was sad.
Can I still be assertive but not inconsiderate?
After the analysis, I recognized that I never regarded her from her perspective. On the contrary, I always presumed how she felt and was according to my judgment about her. I assumed I could be myself around her and never had to think much about how I asserted myself.
Considerate, humility, and empathy are the key to authentic assertiveness
It has just occurred to me that she needs consideration, understanding, and respect. She also has her challenges to cope with and her maze to solve.
I recognized how I had been honest with myself and was so self-centric that I didn’t think about others. I discovered that when I allowed my authenticity to live without consideration for others, I hurt them. Consequently, I was unhappy as my kindness, empathy, and recognition couldn’t live either.
Being assertive in harmony with my being
I have decided that from now I will be more considerate of others. I will learn how to assert each of my beings in consideration of one another. Thus, I can live in harmony and align with my environment.
However, how can you live through your beings and stay in harmony with yourself and others? Check out my article about authentic assertiveness to find your inner peace.
Talking about brevity, all the stories about brave heroes and heroines in history just flashed into my head. Although those historical events exhibited various types of heroic courage, most people recognized only the courage to fight the fear of external threats.
Brevity to Fight the External or Internal Threats?
Well, being brave enough to fight external fear is admirable. It requires strength to fight one’s internal fear on many psychological levels. However, we don’t naturally realize the gravity of our focus on the action. Is it for survival or domination? Is the purpose of becoming a better person or a more authoritative person? That is the tricky business of brevity.
The Mindfulness Approach to Brevity
If you understand the concept of mindfulness and peaceful living to achieve ultimate peace and bliss, you will apprehend what I am saying and how I define brevity. True brevity is the courage to overcome our greed, fear, and anger. In short, it is the courage to comprehend and manage our negative emotions at the source. It doesn’t matter if you are audacious and ready to fight any war as long as you can’t even fight your inner greed, wrath, and fear. The only result you get is the inflated ego that will eventually bring your misery.
Why?
An inflated ego comes with inflated expectations: the expectation about yourself and the people around you. And only crazy people are convinced they can control everything around them. And when they try, they become manipulative, dictating, and a maniac. What does it cost them? It costs them self-love and acceptance.
As it is natural that all beings hate pain and love pleasure. Causing pain of any kind on other beings will inflict pain on the perpetrators themselves on a subconscious level. The satisfaction of inflicting pain on others comes from the need to project and release the pain in themselves. Unfortunately, it is not the right and harmonious way to deal with inner pain.
The Mindfulness Approach
Acknowledging your pain, understanding how it is, and letting go is the only way to set free from the hurt emotion. And that requires not only courage but also wisdom.
Working on oneself first
So, when it comes to brevity, how brave am I? If it is about fighting my greed, fear, and anger, I might be a coward on many levels and in many situations. I sometimes lied to get away with awkwardness or to get what I wanted. I went mad when things didn’t go the way I expected.
How am I brave?
Do those events happen all the time? No. I can overcome greed, fear, and anger without causing harm, pain, or disappointment to people around me. Those are the moments of my brevity. It is about the courage to fight my evil, brave enough to admit my flaws, strong enough to amend my action, and determined enough to move on with my life with better alignment with the virtues I hold.
And that is how I am brave. How about you? Share your moment of brevity in the comment box below. Explore the 10 most common psychological yearnings that trigger fear, greed, and anger and leave me your thoughts.
Are you someone with procrastination? I am sometimes a procrastinator. That means I mostly do things I need to do right away. However, when it comes to something difficult, I stall time. “Waiting for the right mood” is the excuse I give to myself.
Why do we procrastinate?
The common causes of procrastination are doubt, fear, and disapproval.
Doubt
When in doubt, we tend to wait to be clear about the matter before taking action. There are two kinds of doubt that trigger procrastination. One is the doubt about the task. The other is doubt in themselves or their ability to achieve the mission.
The first one has a good cause for the delay. However, we will not achieve anything by putting off the matter. If we doubt the purpose or objective of the project and whether they are for a good cause, we’d better find out the truth. Sitting on it won’t help.
While we need to tackle the doubt on the subject by studying more about it, we also need to take immediate action toward the self-doubt that causes procrastination.
If we are unsure of doing something, we’d better find out how. Stalling for time won’t help. Sometimes we don’t need to do everything by ourselves. Delegation is a strategy to get things we are not comfortable doing done when busy.
Fear
Naturally, we don’t want to approach anything frightening. In this case, we need to assess the cause of the fright. If the job poses a physical threat, it is wise to avoid or take action with mindfulness.
If you postpone what you need to do because you don’t know how to do it, you’d better learn how by seeking help or self-learning.
Disapproval
Of course, we don’t want to do anything we disagree with. In this case, we may approach the situation differently.
First, ask yourself the cause of your disapproval. Is it personal? If the rejection to do the task is based on a good and solid reason, you can follow your intuition and clear it out of your desk. If it is based on your judgment with no good reason, you may choose not to do it. But make sure to clear it out of your desk too.
However, if it is obligatory and your reason is based on personal feelings, you may assess your thought. Is it harmful to anyone? Is it immoral? Is it illegal? If the answer is yes, you can drop it. If your answers are ‘no,’ you may need to decide what to do. Whatever it is, you need to make a decision.
The sign of leadership
Remember that before taking action, we need to make a decision. The delay in acting on something with a pre-meditated decision is better than the delay caused by indecision. After making the decision, you can delegate or responsibly clear the subject away from your desk.
Failure to make a decision or putting off any decision to act on something is a sign of bad leadership. You still need to lead your life even if you are not a leader. Practice self-leadership by stopping the habit of procrastination so you can thrive better towards your life purpose. Whatever it is.
What I want to achieve this year
Personally, I want to get out of the habit of procrastination. I will tackle the projects I have been putting off for a few years. If you want to learn more, I recommend the old book by Brian Tracy called “Eat That Frog” and a currently famous book by James Clear called “The Atomic Habits.” These two books will help you get on your feet and inspire you to take action.
Let’s take New Year as an opportunity to start anew and commit to our dream. I wish everyone on this journey all the best and success.
And that is what I want to achieve this year. The new ‘me.’
Assertiveness & How to Assert Yourself Authentically
Talking about assertiveness, I come across many Asians having trouble with self-assertion. And we somehow feel abused by aggressive people who may have over-asserted themselves, resulting in intimidating others.
Well, I don’t want to go about different races and cultures. Anyway, it is our culture to be humble and considerate. I think it’s probably rooted in the Buddhist teaching of not building up an oversized ego. However, as time went by, the virtue of the concept became distorted.
People don’t know about the true purpose of humility and consideration anymore. They forget about the purpose of this teaching. Only the idea of modesty, humbleness, and consideration is present in the culture. So, instead of people not being ego-centric, the culture of seniority is in place. And as opposed to the Buddha’s teaching, many people in a higher level of seniority build up their egos and become abusive of their subordinators.
That’s probably why some people are not as assertive as others.
So, the question is: how can we be assertive and also be considerate of others?
Here’s some advice
Check your intention. Every action starts with a motif, knowingly and unknowingly. So, we need to be aware of our motif. Is it to stand our ground or to intimidate others?
Check your feeling. How do you feel when you assert yourself in that situation and in that way? Is there any regret, shame, or disturbance in your mind? Check your feeling and be honest.
Monitor your sensation. What kind of sensation are you experiencing in your body? Is it a rough or a smooth one? Your sensation is your tale-tell. Always be aware of it.
However, sometimes you may receive negative feedback from people in your circle due to your assertiveness. You might want to check the above checklist to see whether you have been authentic and free of a selfish motif.
If your intention was honorable, you feel good about asserting yourself in the situation, and you have pleasant sensations throughout your body, you should give yourself a break.
You can’t make everyone happy while being true to yourself. Sometimes, your authenticity may disturb others. But if it is free of negative motifs, it’s not your problem. Everyone has their wounds. And it’s not your job to heal their wounds.
It’s not healthy to avoid disturbing others’ feelings while suppressing your needs to express them. Be authentic but kind.
Empathize with them but stand your ground too. You can assert yourself with kindness, compassion, and humility. That’s how you allow self-assertiveness and a sense of consideration to co-exist.
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Forgiveness is the secret to manifesting your dream
The Power Of Forgive & Let Go
Have you realized the power of forgiveness? I know when it the time for the holy season, people tend to think of forgiving each other. What they mostly forget is to forgive themselves. Worst of all, we tend to forget to let go and move on too.
Forgiveness: the secret to manifesting your dream
I have some discoveries to share about manifesting your dream. I have struggled over the past few years, as many others have. I thought it was because of the pandemic and the global situation. After the pandemic, I felt I might be too old to re-enter the job market where everyone is looking to hire the new generation.
What or who didn’t I forgive?
Right before the pandemic, I left my full-time executive job to do something of my own. Things didn’t go as beautifully as I had planned. The pandemic and the global economy crushed my dream of being an entrepreneur. So, I accepted some invitations to job interviews through some headhunters. I thought I would nail some jobs in no time. However, I didn’t. For the first time, I felt unsure about myself. I was afraid I might become obsolete. But I know I’m not.
The inner resistance
The problem is: I didn’t let go. I left my latest job because I wasn’t happy with the nature of business. And at the interview, my negative feeling towards that business came back like a flashback. It made me feel uneasy and reluctant to express my eagerness to get the job. Because it meant I would have to go back to do the thing I didn’t like.
However, headhunters tended to pay attention to me because of my experience in that industry. I was sure I could hide my feeling. It turned out I couldn’t. So, no wonder why I didn’t get the job.
And these experiences led me down the road of self-criticism. I kept thinking about how I had done wrong or how I should have done better. It’s full of what if and negativities I don’t need at that point.
The realization
After six months of daily meditation, I finally realized I had to let go. The guilt I carried on my shoulders sent the message to my subconscious mind that “I’m not worth it.” The reluctance to return to the latest industry I worked in meant “I don’t want it.” By not forgiving myself and letting go: I sent the message to my subconscious mind that I deserved this.
So, I stop. I recall my awareness whenever I am going into self-critic mode. Then, I forgive myself. I remind myself to forgive my past and move on whenever I feel anger in my stomach.
The magic of forgiveness & letting go
And you know what? Good things start to happen to my business. Some gigs, new opportunities, and clients keep knocking on my door. They are not yet a big break; however, at least it is something. I need some dynamic in my life to get into the flow.
So, if you find yourself in some hardship, you might want to ask yourself these questions:
Am I bearing a grudge against someone or some situation?
Have I overcome the disappointment I had with myself or my job?
Do I forgive myself for what I should have done better?
The key is to forgive, let go and move on with your life. That is the only way to make progress during hardship or difficult times.
I hope this content helps anyone in the same situation as me. And as the greeting season is near, I wish you all the best in the strength of your health, mind, and soul.
What impression do you leave in your subconscious mind, and how does your mind interpret it?
We heard the saying: “first impression lasts forever.” It tells us how important first impression is. So, in our right mind, we naturally try to make the best first impression. However, little that we know, no matter how good the first impression is, the bad one always overwrites the good one. This observation is especially valid regarding our encounters with someone or something we don’t interact with often.
I have recent experience with a food delivery mobile application. My first and second times with them were impressive. The two restaurants I picked from this app delivered more than I had expected. I was so impressed by the first restaurant I ordered again from a different restaurant. And it didn’t disappoint me at all.
That led to the third time. And here comes the shitty impression. It might be that I had raised my expectation so high I got so disappointed when the restaurant I picked differently at this time turned out pretty awful. A negative thought arose: “I will never order through this application again.” If I weren’t aware of my negative message to my subconscious mind, I would end up deleting this application right away.
Fortunately, I realized I had let the negative impression sink in and judged everything based on generalization. One unpleasant experience out of three could make me assume the application was unreliable. I then think about how this generalization and assumption become my habit. How often did I subconsciously close the doors to any possible opportunities only because I was too afraid to be disappointed?
I realized that most of us are quick to assume based on generalization. I judge something based on some random experience about something similar. That’s how our brains work. But it is not always correct. It is why most of us give up on something or someone because we presume it may turn out disappointing. We never really give it a try.
So, we need to practice awareness, understanding, and let go. With awareness, we acknowledge our feelings toward someone, something, or some experiences. Then we let go. Live today with neither bias from the past nor presumption of the future.
Thus, we can be happy, positive, and open. We know that every day is a new beginning and a new opportunity. We should live our present without bias. And it is how we attract good energy to our lives while keeping ourselves open to new opportunities. We still find life challenges, but we will regard them as the learnings through which we thrive.
Vulnerability is a state of emotional exposure that comes with some degree of uncertainty. It is the brevity of expressing one’s emotions without fear of being seen as weak.
Why are we avoiding vulnerability?
With the psychological need for security and safety, many people fear having their emotions, thoughts, or feeling exposed. So they create boundaries and defenses to give themselves some safe space. Unfortunately, those boundaries are not just providing the safety net for them from getting hurt but also barring them from intimacy, authenticity, and happiness.
How do we create those defenses?
It is the instinct of all beings to avoid pain and seek pleasure. When we were young and naive, we explored and experienced the world through a more positive lens.
Seeing through the lens of a little child
Children get in touch with their feeling and emotion. If we notice, we will see how little kids ask questions out of curiosity. Knowing the answer right away seems more important to them than maintaining a cool look. They express their honest feeling and emotions without restraint. And they share their opinion candidly without fear of losing face. We were all like that once when we were little. And we sometimes sarcastically call that ‘naive’ instead of ‘honestly.’
Why do we turn to hostility instead of vulnerability?
Unfortunately, we are not living in an ideal world. We live with mentally or emotionally imbalanced people around us and including us, who may project their anger and miseries onto us through bullying, abusive behaviors, or mal teaching. And that is how we gradually learn to create defenses to survive.
The mechanism becomes the habit, then second nature
As we grow up, we are used to living with more and more defenses we have created along the way. Those defenses become a part of us and our shells. We think we are safe in there. Little that we know: we are getting further away from our authenticity, emotions, and being human.
It is two sides of a coin. We can’t fend off emotions without losing the ability to feel. So what happens is: we deliberately block our empathy and compassion. And that is not limited to the ability to empathize with others and feel compassion for others. It includes the inability for self-compassion and self-empathy too. What is worst? With all those behaviors, we unknowingly repel healthy relationships and good connections from our lives.
So, what are the most common areas where people feel vulnerable and choose to live in their defenses?
In most cases, we create defense out of fear. So what are they?
Taking chances that may lead to rejection: Fear of Rejection
Talking about our mistakes: Fear of being judged
Sharing personal information: Fear of being judged and getting hurt
Feeling difficult emotions like fear, grief, shame: Fear of getting hurt
Expressing love and care to someone important: Fear of getting hurt, rejection, losing freedom
Reconnecting with people who we have fallen out with: Fear of rejection, change
Being honest about what we want in any relationship: Fear of rejection, being judged
Fighting for our dream and aspiration: Fear of failure
Asking for help: Fear of rejection, losing freedom
What are the benefits of vulnerability?
Reconnect with our true nature
The utmost benefit is getting in touch with who we are: our natures and souls. When we open our hearts to feel emotions, to acknowledge our fears, we reconnect with our pure existence and authentic selves. We can recognize our sensitivity and sensibility through emotions and feelings. These occurrences manifest themselves when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
Liberation
Fears stop us from being vulnerable by creating defenses and boundaries so we cannot feel or acknowledge any emotions that could hurt us. However, these shells prevent us from feeling the positive sides of life too. We can’t fully feel joy, love, and freedom while we restrain from expressing and experiencing some feelings and emotions.
Acknowledging the pain of being vulnerable and understanding that all emotions, miseries, or happiness are bound to arise and end at any moment helps us become free. We can live fully in the moment at present, good or bad. We leave out our expectation to get something in return or anticipate some outcomes we cannot control while enjoying the moment and being honest with who we are and how we feel. That’s the greatest freedom one can have: to feel and express how we feel.
Become whole and become a better person
When we get in touch with our authentic selves and become true to ourselves, we leave out the thorns we used to fend people off. We don’t need to be rude to protect ourselves. We do not feel the need to repel people to maintain our freedom. In social events, we don’t automatically turn cold shoulders on people we meet to avoid being rejected or judged. We can be genuine, kind, and empathetic by nature. We are not afraid of being seen.
Better relationship and connectedness
With liberation, we attract people of the same energy to our lives. People who care and admire us for who we are, not who we pretend to be. And even when people judge us or take advantage of our vulnerability, give ourselves some respect. Do not change into someone we are not only because someone turns their dark side on us.
Be true to yourself no matter what. It is better to live our authenticities fully despite some disappointments than live a secure life burying our genuine selves and becoming unhappy. That’s when we fully accept ourselves and learn that we are enough.
And when we arrive at that point, we will stop screaming and offending people. On the other hand, we will be able to listen to others, empathize with them, be kind, and be beautiful from within.
People who embrace their vulnerability and dare to show up vulnerable are the true conqueror. They do not conquer any external wars with others. On the other hand, they win the war within themselves: showing up vulnerable, risking judgment, and be true to themselves.
Waiting might sound reactive and inactive in many cultures, particularly modern societies. We now live in the digital era where we can find everything in one click. And we hear many gurus tell us to hurry, grasp our chance, and beat it to our goals.
Are we listening to our voice or others?
These messages come from everywhere: social media, TV, billboards, colleagues, peers, friends, and sometimes family. The motivation becomes overwhelming. We are motivated to move forward that we somehow lose touch with what exactly we are moving forward to and why?
Worse, we become less patient. The speedy pace has built our character to always be on the move, in a rush: to grasp, take, and go. We spoil ourselves with the no-wait marketing policy to the point that we do not know how to wait anymore.
And what happens? Soon we are drowned in credit card bills and things we don’t need. We are in some shallow relationships only to get quick connections and gone.
Be patient, relax, and let go.
Sometimes great opportunities come to people who can wait. It takes a person with a smaller ego and a significant amount of perseverance and commitment to achieve what is meaningful to them. Waiting without false expectations or a fixation on what we are waiting for is the kind of tolerance we are talking about here.
When we think we want something, we might want to try contemplating it for a bit. Don’t bully yourself with propaganda like it’s a now or never.
Trust me: if it’s yours, it’s yours.
However, this does not mean you should not put any effort into anything. If you want something, you work for it. Put your effort into it. And let go of the result. Why? Because you can’t control the outcome.
You can put your labor, time, and energy into what you want to achieve. And leave out the expectation. Let the result speaks for itself. You have done your part: creating cause and conditions. But wait. People who don’t know how to hold back mostly sabotage themselves with haste and temper.
Let’s consider this quote. “I can think. I can wait. I can fast.”
Siddhartha: A novel by Hermann Hesse
“I can think.” means I can discern and learn. “I can wait.” means I don’t put myself before others. I do not have an oversized ego and am not self-centered. “I can fast.” means I have endurance, stamina, temperance, and perseverance to do any task.
So, it implies we know whether we should wait or not. And sometimes, in some situations, we cannot do anything else but wait.
Since we have to wait anyway, why don’t we wait with mindfulness? Why should we put ourselves in misery with the agony of expectation? Letting go of the need to demand a hasty result will liberate us from our attachment to results.
The Drawback Of Impatience
You see? the source of our miseries is our minds. We are miserable because we expect something we do not have control over. We are unhappy because we do not want to wait. We ruin some relationships out of impatience and oversized egos.
If we practice waiting without expectation, we will find peace in ourselves. Once we have done our best part in whatever we need to, we let go.
How about practicing mindfulness?
I know it is easier talking than doing. That’s why we need to practice insight or mindfulness meditation. Observing our breathing helps a lot for a start. However, if you can’t, try some of these questions.
Can we control the response of others?
If not, why do we want to push it?
What can we control here: ourselves or others?
What do we expect to achieve by rushing people to get what we want?
How does it leave us when we force our ways to get want we want?
How do we feel when we ruin it with our haste?
Are we proud? If so, why? What makes us proud?
Are there other ways we can do to show we are still waiting without pushing?
What is more empowering: getting what we need or earning what we need?
So the next time you want to rush into something, ask yourself whether it is necessary or you are just following the crowd. And can this wait?
Learning to holdup helps you downsize your ego and make room for empathy and compassion. And with a bigger heart for others, you will find your happiness and inner peace.
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Have you met someone who always tells people off when things don’t go as expected? How about you? Have you ever yelled or thrown your weight around trying to get what you want?
Well, I believe we have all been there at some point in our lives, especially in childhood. So, why do we yell, tell people off, or show our temper? What do we expect to get from misbehaving?
Is it for survival?
The thing is: when we were babies, we cried to get attention. And parents would feed, change, or give us attention. That is okay for babies as they can’t talk. When we were kids, we threw tantrums to express our protest. That behavior, if not dealt with empathy, may create some diverse habits.
The Possible Consequences?
Children who didn’t receive attention by throwing tantrums might have learned to suppress or succumb. If they were lucky to have parents with enough time and understanding to educate them about anger, they would learn a healthy way to cope with disappointment.
Note:
Anyway, remember that children learn from examples, not from lectures. If you have good examples in your family while growing up, you tend to manage and regulate your emotion better than most people from a malfunctioned upbringing.
The Family Background Counts
Some people who grew up with a forceful or violent upbringing might have learned to suppress their emotions. They may shout at others or express extreme violence to release their suppressed anger or even wrath. And this could be dangerous. I will discuss this kind of behavior in other content.
Concerning the topic, people who constantly show their temper and express themselves loudly probably come from a more crowded environment where they need to make loud noises to get attention and respect.
Moreover, spoiled kids, who were brought up with the money, not with empathy and understanding, tend to grow up short-tempered. They constantly show their excessive emotions to express their dissatisfaction, hoping others will do something to please them.
How does it develop into a habit?
The thing is: they might have started from an outburst of anger once, and they found it worked for them. Then, the brain developed a concept that expressing anger was effective.
Then, the Messed-up Blueprint
After deliberately practicing outbursts of anger for a while, the brain created a negative blueprint. Anger means power. Sometimes, anger means result. Or worse, some people unconsciously associate their show of anger with the request for others to show their love. In their mind, they get what they want whenever they make noises.
How It Turned Into The Angry Personality
Then, they become deliberately more aggressive with how they express themselves to get what they want. Eventually, the behavior becomes their personality. They automatically route to the anger burst-out mode whenever coming across any unpleasantness.
Then, The Addiction To Angry Behavior
Soon, anger becomes their default mode. They are addicted to using anger to be heard and seen. Anger becomes their shell. They express anger when they are afraid. They tell people off to show they are in power. They exhibit rudity and aggressiveness in every aspect of life. That is because they think temper obliges them with respect. They are oblivion to the fact that people let them have their ways not out of fear but shame.
Are You Hiding Behind Your Temper?
So, if you are one of those who constantly resort to temper and harsh behavior to get what you want, know this fact: people around you are not afraid of your ruthless behavior. They are ashamed of being in your company. And in some cases, people give in to you for the sake of peace.
The Nasty Flaw
Eventually, we soon learn violence and rudity bring more losses than gain. That is because we live in a society. And every social community requires a system to maintain peace. Respecting one another is one thing to keep things in order and encourage peaceful cohabitation. However, when bad behavior disrupts the positivity of the community, people will reject them. That results in expel from work or exile from the family and community of friends.
The Sabotage At The Professional Dimension
At work, people with low emotional quality will not progress well. They work in an unqualified position, frustrated why their abilities and intellectual qualities are not valued. And they often wonder why people with a lower level of intelligence advance faster than them. Well, here’s the news flash. What counts here is the EQ, not the IQ.
The Sabotage In Any Life Dimensions
People with low emotional quality cannot thrive in any area of life. They don’t have happy relationships with anyone. And whenever they gain something through violence and anger, they feel empty inside. That is because: they didn’t earn it. They forced it.
And It Is The Loop Of Hostility
Thus, they receive hostility and negative energy from people around them. And that energy dwells in them and follows them wherever they go. As like attracts like, negativity will attract the same type of energy, people, and event to their lives, causing them more miseries. And that will give them more reasons to be angry. A vicious circle, isn’t it?
Why are we bothered at all?
Why aren’t we happy being angry people despite being feared? The answer is simple. We don’t seek to be feared but loved and respected. And they are two different ends of the scale, aren’t they?
Human beings seek proximity and relationships to validate their being. Fear doesn’t draw people to them, at least the loving kind. It only draws more violent people who don’t even know how to love themselves.
Is it Peace or Power We Seek?
More importantly, in the depth of our minds, we seek peace. We sometimes make war with others to claim peace. We are blind to the fact that it would only bring the more and extended war to our lives. So, I think you get the idea. We all seek peace. The measure depends on our interpretation of threats and peace. So, taking things by violence only brings more disturbance to life. Learning to understand and let go is a more effective way to maintain peace in ourselves.
How To Tackle The Angry Default?
So, if you are someone who has anger as your default mode, I suggest you take a deep breath. Pause for a few minutes and observe your breathing.
Ask yourself:
Is it worth it?
What could be the consequence?
Why do you want to seek violence?
Is it about gaining control of the situation, exhibiting your superiority, or making your points?
Will harsh words, aggressive behavior, and rudity do the job?
What would come after that?
When you get what you want, and it is over, what does it leave you?
Do you feel complete or empty?
Is it a win or a loss?
If it is a win, how so?
How do you feel about yourself?
What kind of impression do you think you make on others?
What have you achieved by doing so?
After cooling down, ask yourself:
How else can you approach the situation more peacefully?
Quiet Your Instinct, Allow Your Intuition To Speak
Don’t underestimate your intuition. Tell your instinct to rest and allow your wisdom to rise from your intuition. Wisdom will surface only when your mind is calm. No turbulence.
So, before taking any impulsive response, try to calm your mind.
When your mind is quiet, listen to your wisdom. True intellectual insight will come from your intuition. And it always works the magic.
How To Deal With People With Angry Behavior
If you lived or worked with someone with constantly angry behavior, you would want to understand the nature of their behavior. It’s not your job to correct them. However, it would help you to live more peacefully around them by empathizing with their ignorance. Show your compassion to them, if you can. If you can’t, stay away from them. Do not aggravate the situation by matching your anger. It is like: they are in the hole, struggling to come up by yelling at you. Instead of throwing the rope at them, you dive in and help dig the hole deeper for both. Worse, you’ll find yourself stuck in that hole with the person you despise. Do you want that in your life?
Practice Insight or Awareness Meditation
So, my advice here is to practice awareness meditation. You can call it mindfulness meditation. The purpose is to practice the awareness of your trigger, emotion, feeling, and thought. Observing your breath will calm your mind. With a peaceful mind, you will see yourself clearer. You will realize you are no different from others. We are all suffering in some ways and seek empathy. Your empathy will naturally arise, then compassion follows.
Smaller Ego, Bigger Heart, More Peaceful, More Happiness
After practicing daily insight or awareness meditation, you will be less judgmental, kinder, more forgiving, and more peaceful. You will be less sensitive to what others think or treat you. Your ego gets smaller while your heart grows bigger. As a result, you have more room for generosity and understanding. And you become happier.
How About The Negative Influence?
If you have to live with an angry person, your understanding, empathy, and calmness will eventually calm their hurtful souls. It will take time, be patient. Understand that they express violence out of ignorance. They are deeply in pain, seeking the help they don’t realize they need. And by letting anger consume them, they are in enough suffering and self-hatred. What you can do is have empathy and compassion.
If you can’t, try staying away from them. You might not be strong enough to help them. Worse, they may drag you down with them if you are not yet strong. Learn to let go.Letting go is the key here. You can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves.
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