Why do we aggressively show temper?
Have you met someone who always tells people off when things don’t go as expected? How about you? Have you ever yelled or thrown your weight around trying to get what you want?
Well, I believe we have all been there at some point in our lives, especially in childhood. So, why do we yell, tell people off, or show our temper? What do we expect to get from misbehaving?
Is it for survival?
The thing is: when we were babies, we cried to get attention. And parents would feed, change, or give us attention. That is okay for babies as they can’t talk. When we were kids, we threw tantrums to express our protest. That behavior, if not dealt with empathy, may create some diverse habits.
The Possible Consequences?
Children who didn’t receive attention by throwing tantrums might have learned to suppress or succumb. If they were lucky to have parents with enough time and understanding to educate them about anger, they would learn a healthy way to cope with disappointment.
Anyway, remember that children learn from examples, not from lectures. If you have good examples in your family while growing up, you tend to manage and regulate your emotion better than most people from a malfunctioned upbringing.
The Family Background Counts
Some people who grew up with a forceful or violent upbringing might have learned to suppress their emotions. They may shout at others or express extreme violence to release their suppressed anger or even wrath. And this could be dangerous. I will discuss this kind of behavior in other content.
Concerning the topic, people who constantly show their temper and express themselves loudly probably come from a more crowded environment where they need to make loud noises to get attention and respect.
Moreover, spoiled kids, who were brought up with the money, not with empathy and understanding, tend to grow up short-tempered. They constantly show their excessive emotions to express their dissatisfaction, hoping others will do something to please them.
How does it develop into a habit?
The thing is: they might have started from an outburst of anger once, and they found it worked for them. Then, the brain developed a concept that expressing anger was effective.
Then, the Messed-up Blueprint
After deliberately practicing outbursts of anger for a while, the brain created a negative blueprint. Anger means power. Sometimes, anger means result. Or worse, some people unconsciously associate their show of anger with the request for others to show their love. In their mind, they get what they want whenever they make noises.
How It Turned Into The Angry Personality
Then, they become deliberately more aggressive with how they express themselves to get what they want. Eventually, the behavior becomes their personality. They automatically route to the anger burst-out mode whenever coming across any unpleasantness.
Then, The Addiction To Angry Behavior
Soon, anger becomes their default mode. They are addicted to using anger to be heard and seen. Anger becomes their shell. They express anger when they are afraid. They tell people off to show they are in power. They exhibit rudity and aggressiveness in every aspect of life. That is because they think temper obliges them with respect. They are oblivion to the fact that people let them have their ways not out of fear but shame.
Are You Hiding Behind Your Temper?
So, if you are one of those who constantly resort to temper and harsh behavior to get what you want, know this fact: people around you are not afraid of your ruthless behavior. They are ashamed of being in your company. And in some cases, people give in to you for the sake of peace.
The Nasty Flaw
Eventually, we soon learn violence and rudity bring more losses than gain. That is because we live in a society. And every social community requires a system to maintain peace. Respecting one another is one thing to keep things in order and encourage peaceful cohabitation. However, when bad behavior disrupts the positivity of the community, people will reject them. That results in expel from work or exile from the family and community of friends.
The Sabotage At The Professional Dimension
At work, people with low emotional quality will not progress well. They work in an unqualified position, frustrated why their abilities and intellectual qualities are not valued. And they often wonder why people with a lower level of intelligence advance faster than them. Well, here’s the news flash. What counts here is the EQ, not the IQ.
The Sabotage In Any Life Dimensions
People with low emotional quality cannot thrive in any area of life. They don’t have happy relationships with anyone. And whenever they gain something through violence and anger, they feel empty inside. That is because: they didn’t earn it. They forced it.
And It Is The Loop Of Hostility
Thus, they receive hostility and negative energy from people around them. And that energy dwells in them and follows them wherever they go. As like attracts like, negativity will attract the same type of energy, people, and event to their lives, causing them more miseries. And that will give them more reasons to be angry. A vicious circle, isn’t it?
Why are we bothered at all?
Why aren’t we happy being angry people despite being feared? The answer is simple. We don’t seek to be feared but loved and respected. And they are two different ends of the scale, aren’t they?
Human beings seek proximity and relationships to validate their being. Fear doesn’t draw people to them, at least the loving kind. It only draws more violent people who don’t even know how to love themselves.
Is it Peace or Power We Seek?
More importantly, in the depth of our minds, we seek peace. We sometimes make war with others to claim peace. We are blind to the fact that it would only bring the more and extended war to our lives. So, I think you get the idea. We all seek peace. The measure depends on our interpretation of threats and peace. So, taking things by violence only brings more disturbance to life. Learning to understand and let go is a more effective way to maintain peace in ourselves.
How To Tackle The Angry Default?
So, if you are someone who has anger as your default mode, I suggest you take a deep breath. Pause for a few minutes and observe your breathing.
- Is it worth it?
- What could be the consequence?
- Why do you want to seek violence?
- Is it about gaining control of the situation, exhibiting your superiority, or making your points?
- Will harsh words, aggressive behavior, and rudity do the job?
- What would come after that?
- When you get what you want, and it is over, what does it leave you?
- Do you feel complete or empty?
- Is it a win or a loss?
- If it is a win, how so?
- How do you feel about yourself?
- What kind of impression do you think you make on others?
- What have you achieved by doing so?
After cooling down, ask yourself:
- How else can you approach the situation more peacefully?
Quiet Your Instinct, Allow Your Intuition To Speak
Don’t underestimate your intuition. Tell your instinct to rest and allow your wisdom to rise from your intuition. Wisdom will surface only when your mind is calm. No turbulence.
So, before taking any impulsive response, try to calm your mind.
When your mind is quiet, listen to your wisdom. True intellectual insight will come from your intuition. And it always works the magic.
How To Deal With People With Angry Behavior
If you lived or worked with someone with constantly angry behavior, you would want to understand the nature of their behavior. It’s not your job to correct them. However, it would help you to live more peacefully around them by empathizing with their ignorance. Show your compassion to them, if you can. If you can’t, stay away from them. Do not aggravate the situation by matching your anger. It is like: they are in the hole, struggling to come up by yelling at you. Instead of throwing the rope at them, you dive in and help dig the hole deeper for both. Worse, you’ll find yourself stuck in that hole with the person you despise. Do you want that in your life?
Practice Insight or Awareness Meditation
So, my advice here is to practice awareness meditation. You can call it mindfulness meditation. The purpose is to practice the awareness of your trigger, emotion, feeling, and thought. Observing your breath will calm your mind. With a peaceful mind, you will see yourself clearer. You will realize you are no different from others. We are all suffering in some ways and seek empathy. Your empathy will naturally arise, then compassion follows.
Smaller Ego, Bigger Heart, More Peaceful, More Happiness
After practicing daily insight or awareness meditation, you will be less judgmental, kinder, more forgiving, and more peaceful. You will be less sensitive to what others think or treat you. Your ego gets smaller while your heart grows bigger. As a result, you have more room for generosity and understanding. And you become happier.
How About The Negative Influence?
If you have to live with an angry person, your understanding, empathy, and calmness will eventually calm their hurtful souls. It will take time, be patient. Understand that they express violence out of ignorance. They are deeply in pain, seeking the help they don’t realize they need. And by letting anger consume them, they are in enough suffering and self-hatred. What you can do is have empathy and compassion.
If you can’t, try staying away from them. You might not be strong enough to help them. Worse, they may drag you down with them if you are not yet strong. Learn to let go. Letting go is the key here. You can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves.
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